I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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