The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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