Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
3pm strippers are depressing
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
