Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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