what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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