The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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