I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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