This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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