Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
