We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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