Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
