I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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