I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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