i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
