I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize