I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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