i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
