when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
