Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
