I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
