You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
