Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
