I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
