I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
