My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
