Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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