How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
