Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
