Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
