Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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