so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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