hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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