you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
