New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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