I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
