Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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