your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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