He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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