before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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