you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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