I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
