but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
