who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
