There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
