I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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