We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
