You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
