Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How external is "for external use only"?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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