Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
