WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
