i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
