i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
