I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
