I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
