i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
