I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
