Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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