I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
