My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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