I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
