do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
In America we eat man semen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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